Hire a handyman

Just by recognising that I tend to keep score has made me more aware of when I'm thinking that way and allowed me to adjust my attitude in the moment. I'm now more ready to accept that things can seem uneven in the short term but that in the end we'll both win. 

In The Happiness Project Rubin acknowledges that she feared her husband would leave all the work to her if she stopped nagging and complaining. Admittedly I share that fear and worry that if I give freely and don't moderate the effort that I put into doing household/family stuff then it won't leave enough 'me time' and my wellbeing will suffer. However, by the end of the 12 month project, her fear had not been realised and she came to the conclusion that she gained the most happiness by eliminating the bad feelings e.g. nagging. Keeping score is a bad feeling, one of resentment and 'not enough'. Already by giving when a task needs to be done and appreciating what my partner does I've begun to reduce those bad feelings and I haven't noticed any significant loss of 'me time'.

A friend asked me a few days ago what my New Years Resolution was and when I replied "to stop keeping score in my relationship" she laughed and said "Oh, I gave that up years ago!". She shared that for her it meant learning to live with some things that aren't done or that aren't done according to her timetable... and hiring a handyman. Brilliant!

I'd love to hear what you keep score on or how you've given it up.

When one loves, one does not calculate

"When one loves, one does not calculate" ~ St Therese of Lisieux

This quote, referred to in The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (page 185), has niggled at me since reading the book recently. It challenges my belief that relationships should be equal with 50/50 give and take. A quick google search revealed that 'keeping score in relationships' is recognised as a bad sign. As I have fallen into this trap, it seemed a habit worth addressing in order to be my true self and truly happy.

In 2015 I'm resolving to throw away the scorecard.

So if I've been keeping score, that implies there must be a 'game' or some 'rules' that apply. My rules are things like:

• because I spend my son's nap time doing household admin or chores, then my partner should do the same on the days he cares for our son

• when I cook dinner then my partner should do our son's bath (or vice versa)

• when I put on a load of washing, then my partner should hang it out (yes it gets that granular in my mind!).

• my partner puts out the bins, washes the cars and cleans the stove

• I clean the shower, pay the bills and do the gardening

The problem of keeping score was made clear by a post at the Legacy Project which is a collection of life lessons from American elders (70+). The wisdom offered is that happy couples don’t expect the give and take to balance out every day (or month, or year). Long-term success depends on an attitude of giving more than they get. Giving freely and not expecting anything in return. I was moved by the quotes from the elders.

There are some chores which we have, over the years, tended to do more than the other.

Is that an even scorecard? 

A post at the Art of Manliness points out the difficulty in measuring the worth of each person's contribution (physically and emotionally). We're naturally prone to thinking we've done more than the other person because we recall what we've done more easily that what the other has been doing. In the book, Rubin also makes the point that it is easy to overclaim and suggests reminding yourself of all the tasks you don't do and feeling grateful. 

So what difference will throwing away the scorecard make? Here's hoping that it turns a 'game' into simply 'play'!