When one loves, one does not calculate

"When one loves, one does not calculate" ~ St Therese of Lisieux

This quote, referred to in The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (page 185), has niggled at me since reading the book recently. It challenges my belief that relationships should be equal with 50/50 give and take. A quick google search revealed that 'keeping score in relationships' is recognised as a bad sign. As I have fallen into this trap, it seemed a habit worth addressing in order to be my true self and truly happy.

In 2015 I'm resolving to throw away the scorecard.

So if I've been keeping score, that implies there must be a 'game' or some 'rules' that apply. My rules are things like:

• because I spend my son's nap time doing household admin or chores, then my partner should do the same on the days he cares for our son

• when I cook dinner then my partner should do our son's bath (or vice versa)

• when I put on a load of washing, then my partner should hang it out (yes it gets that granular in my mind!).

• my partner puts out the bins, washes the cars and cleans the stove

• I clean the shower, pay the bills and do the gardening

The problem of keeping score was made clear by a post at the Legacy Project which is a collection of life lessons from American elders (70+). The wisdom offered is that happy couples don’t expect the give and take to balance out every day (or month, or year). Long-term success depends on an attitude of giving more than they get. Giving freely and not expecting anything in return. I was moved by the quotes from the elders.

There are some chores which we have, over the years, tended to do more than the other.

Is that an even scorecard? 

A post at the Art of Manliness points out the difficulty in measuring the worth of each person's contribution (physically and emotionally). We're naturally prone to thinking we've done more than the other person because we recall what we've done more easily that what the other has been doing. In the book, Rubin also makes the point that it is easy to overclaim and suggests reminding yourself of all the tasks you don't do and feeling grateful. 

So what difference will throwing away the scorecard make? Here's hoping that it turns a 'game' into simply 'play'!