Secondary infertility: our happy ending

At 31 weeks pregnant and as I become increasingly obsessive about what I want to get done before the birth it is a good time to reflect on just what it took to conceive. It took us just over 12 months to conceive the first time and it seems quite likely that it was a side effect of the HSG test that made the difference then. So I thought with the cobwebs blasted from the tubes and having already had a baby that we would have an easier time trying to conceive again. Boy was I wrong.

We decided to start trying again around the time of our son's 1st birthday. I was still breastfeeding and figured that could be decreasing our chances so after about 6 months without any luck I finished breastfeeding (May 13). In August I went to see a Doctor of chinese medicine who was recommended by my Chiropractor. A couple of friends that I mentioned it to, said that chinese medicine was what had worked for people they knew and so I was feeling positive. I was going twice a week for (laser) acupuncture and swallowing some serious cash in the form of chinese herbs. She was confident it would only take a couple of months to 'reset' things but after a few months I started to worry that there was scarring or some obstruction caused by the emergency (and particularly difficult) caesarian section.

We went back to our original OBGYN Dr Gronow and re-ran the tests that we had done 3 years earlier (progesterone, ultrasound, sperm test & HSG) which were all normal.

His advice... "come back when you want to start IVF". 

In my mind I set that deadline as mid 2014 but my partner was against IVF so we looked for other options. I changed my yoga class to the restorative option as I felt I needed to be gentle with myself because work and trying to conceive were very stressful. Every month felt like a lifetime. I prescribed myself magnesium and vitex based on internet research such as this blog post by Nat Kringoudis.

Dr Burmeister was recommended as a specialist who would try all the alternatives to avoid interventions. So we went along to see her and heard that once we had been trying for a year there was only a 4% chance of conceiving in any one month. She had some advice about getting the timing right and and explained that a laparoscopy & hysteroscopy would be required to see if there were any issues and do a routine 'clean out'. She ordered blood tests and we should see her again after getting the results. In the meantime we also sought the help of a local Naturopath Candace Borg who specialises in fertility. After a lengthy and thorough consultation, she added to the list of blood tests we needed and started us on some liquid herbs which really tested my resolve.

I booked in for the day surgery (March 13) and remember waking up and feeling to see if there were any other incisions besides the one in my belly button which would mean she found something wrong and attempted to correct it. There wasn't another incision and as I found out soon after everything looked 'normal'. At my next appointment because I indicated we weren't willing to start IVF she suggested artificial insemination. When I pressed for some alternative recommendations I was told to read her website (don't drink alcohol/soft drink & don't smoke). Only when I kept pressing did she suggest taking Vitamin E, CoEnzyme Q10 and Melatonin in combination for egg health as is prescribed to those on IVF. I started these in mid May and on the recommendation of the naturopath my partner started Vitamin D supplements although Dr Burmeister did not believe his low level to be a factor at all.

In June I learnt a technique called Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE) which is for releasing long held traumas from the body and reducing stress. I practiced this twice a week and my partner did too. I also stopped lying in bed with the electric blanket on and actually unplugged it before getting into bed. We continued with the liquid herbs and supplements recommended by the Naturopath. We conceived in July 14. I wasn't ready to believe it at first and so delayed buying a test for days!

We won't ever know which one or more of these things made the difference but my recommendations to others in our position are:
- restorative yoga
- Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE)
- unplugging the electric blanket
- healthy Vitamin D levels for both
- advice from a Naturopath who specialises in fertility.

So much gratitude goes out to Candace, Richmond and my teachers at Yogaville for their guidance and support.

Don't apologise for what you have

It was fortunate that when I travelled to London last November I had chosen Brené Brown's Daring Greatly as my plane reading. Visiting my brother who had recently been diagnosed with grade 4 brain cancer (glioblastoma multiforme) while half-way through my 2nd pregnancy was not something I had anticipated. Having previously listened to her audiobook The Gifts of Imperfection, I messaged my brother a quote from it after his surgery. I hoped by explaining that ordinary courage is about vulnerability that he would open up and share his fears.

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known." Brené Brown

I knew that being vulnerable with my brother could bring us closer together and I intended to do just that. What I wasn't prepared for was how much I wanted to share the excitement of expecting another baby, one which had taken much time and effort to conceive (more about that in a future post). But how could I express my joy when my brother's whole world had just turned upside down? It seemed insensitive and selfish and so I held back, trying not to talk about it too much.

Then I came across this passage in Daring Greatly that totally changed my perspective.

"Don't apologise for what you have. Be grateful for it and share your gratitude with others." Brené Brown

Of course, just be true to myself!

Hire a handyman

Just by recognising that I tend to keep score has made me more aware of when I'm thinking that way and allowed me to adjust my attitude in the moment. I'm now more ready to accept that things can seem uneven in the short term but that in the end we'll both win. 

In The Happiness Project Rubin acknowledges that she feared her husband would leave all the work to her if she stopped nagging and complaining. Admittedly I share that fear and worry that if I give freely and don't moderate the effort that I put into doing household/family stuff then it won't leave enough 'me time' and my wellbeing will suffer. However, by the end of the 12 month project, her fear had not been realised and she came to the conclusion that she gained the most happiness by eliminating the bad feelings e.g. nagging. Keeping score is a bad feeling, one of resentment and 'not enough'. Already by giving when a task needs to be done and appreciating what my partner does I've begun to reduce those bad feelings and I haven't noticed any significant loss of 'me time'.

A friend asked me a few days ago what my New Years Resolution was and when I replied "to stop keeping score in my relationship" she laughed and said "Oh, I gave that up years ago!". She shared that for her it meant learning to live with some things that aren't done or that aren't done according to her timetable... and hiring a handyman. Brilliant!

I'd love to hear what you keep score on or how you've given it up.

When one loves, one does not calculate

"When one loves, one does not calculate" ~ St Therese of Lisieux

This quote, referred to in The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (page 185), has niggled at me since reading the book recently. It challenges my belief that relationships should be equal with 50/50 give and take. A quick google search revealed that 'keeping score in relationships' is recognised as a bad sign. As I have fallen into this trap, it seemed a habit worth addressing in order to be my true self and truly happy.

In 2015 I'm resolving to throw away the scorecard.

So if I've been keeping score, that implies there must be a 'game' or some 'rules' that apply. My rules are things like:

• because I spend my son's nap time doing household admin or chores, then my partner should do the same on the days he cares for our son

• when I cook dinner then my partner should do our son's bath (or vice versa)

• when I put on a load of washing, then my partner should hang it out (yes it gets that granular in my mind!).

• my partner puts out the bins, washes the cars and cleans the stove

• I clean the shower, pay the bills and do the gardening

The problem of keeping score was made clear by a post at the Legacy Project which is a collection of life lessons from American elders (70+). The wisdom offered is that happy couples don’t expect the give and take to balance out every day (or month, or year). Long-term success depends on an attitude of giving more than they get. Giving freely and not expecting anything in return. I was moved by the quotes from the elders.

There are some chores which we have, over the years, tended to do more than the other.

Is that an even scorecard? 

A post at the Art of Manliness points out the difficulty in measuring the worth of each person's contribution (physically and emotionally). We're naturally prone to thinking we've done more than the other person because we recall what we've done more easily that what the other has been doing. In the book, Rubin also makes the point that it is easy to overclaim and suggests reminding yourself of all the tasks you don't do and feeling grateful. 

So what difference will throwing away the scorecard make? Here's hoping that it turns a 'game' into simply 'play'!