Watching the passing clouds

I've heard mindfulness described as watching your thoughts as if they are clouds coming and going. Well today I was watching, but the clouds were hanging dark and low on this stay at home introvert.

This is what the (parenting) clouds looked like:

• What did I do in bringing up my son to make him so dependent on me for play?
• By answering all my 4 year old's questions I am using up my talking energy leaving very little to interact with my baby and communicate to guide him through what is happening during the day.
• I'm falling short at meeting their needs all day.
• They'd be better off with someone who enjoys being with kids all day.
• They'd be better off with an extrovert mum.
• If I turn the TV on that will be being kind to myself.
• If I turn the TV on I'll feel guilty about all the screen time.
• I'll turn the TV on.
• Try to remember how desperately you wanted these kids.
• Only 2 months until I get to go back to work.
• My brother has terminal brain cancer and won't get this experience - I should feel grateful.

So in keeping with this blog I ask myself... Is this the true me? Would I feel and think differently if I was getting 8 hours continuous sleep a night and going to yoga and volleyball weekly? Is going back to work the answer? What will it take to feel good about myself again?

A family-centred cesarean at Mercy for Women Heidelberg

Two weeks ago today I had my second child at the Mercy Hospital for Women in Heidelberg. It was a planned cesarean as my first child was an emergency cesarean and the instructions for subsequent births were written on my file in capitals and underlined 'DO NOT TRIAL SCAR'.

I selected the Maternity Group Practice model of care for my pregnancy and was lucky to be allocated Bec as my midwife and I saw her for the majority of my check ups. The main thing I wanted to ensure second time around was that I could have skin to skin contact with our baby as soon as possible after the birth. I tested this aspect of our birth plan with Bec and with a couple of the other midwifes who I saw when Bec was off duty/on leave. Their responses were consistent

"The theatre is too cold, we'll need to clean and wrap the baby so it is warm enough"

"You will be wearing a gown and we won't be able to expose your skin"

Then my partner and I did a birth debrief/preparation with Rhea Dempsey at Fertile Ground who explained that family centred cesareans were becoming more common but that other hospitals were ahead of the Mercy in terms of their practices. She said it would take a strong woman to demand the birth experience we were after. We asked Bec what we needed to do to get the outcome we wanted. Did we need to speak directly to the surgeon or anaesthetist? Bec told us that closer to the date she'd find out who would be operating and check the plan with them.

At my second last check up I gave Bec a copy of the revised birth plan and said the baby could be kept warm with a blanket, dried while on me if necessary and any immediate checks of the baby could be done while on my chest. Bec would brief the theatre team and everything was set.

Then the Monday before my scheduled surgery (Friday) I was called by the day surgery office to say they had to move my cesarean a day earlier due to no surgeons being available. This meant it would be a different theatre team, not the one that Bec was used to working with and I was immediately nervous that it would jeopardise the birth plan. I felt more positve once Bec had spoken to the theatre midwife who said it should all be fine.

On the day I was reassured when I met the theatre midwife, surgeon, anaesthetist and other theatre staff and they all seemed familiar with our plan. My left arm was left out of the hospital gown for easy access. I was very nervous about the spinal block anaesthetic and when I was seated on a hospital bed in the middle of the large operating theatre with strangers all around poking and pulling I cried. It reminded me of last time when things had taken an unexpected turn and the interventions began. My partner wasn't allowed to be present while the anaesthetic was administered and so Bec held my hand. It was comforting to have her there amongst all the strangers.

I won't know whether our baby was 'walked' out of my tummy in a slow careful manner as included in our birth plan but what happened after that was perfect. Once the cord was cut, our baby was passed over the curtain so we could see the sex and then placed straight onto my chest. He was covered in lots of sticky vernix, the staff put blankets over him and left us to enjoy the moment which we did absolutely.

When I told the maternal child health nurse about the birth experience she thought it was wonderful.

"There is no better place for the baby in an operating theatre" she said.

Our son went with my partner to be cleaned, weighed and measured while I was transferred to recovery. As part of the Maternity Group Practice model my midwife Bec would be with us in recovery and see us up to the ward. This meant that our son was able to stay with me in recovery and we did more skin on skin and began breastfeeding.

I am so grateful for the care I received at the Mercy and in particular to Bec who voiced our wishes and made them a reality. Thanks also to midwife Andrea who suggested the debrief with Rhea and to Rhea for sharing her knowledge and for inspiring me to insist on skin to skin in the operating theatre.

Bless you pregnancy hormones

37 weeks and 'full term'. Many women at this point are totally over being pregnant, not me! Instead I'm thinking of the things about pregnancy I wish could last forever.

Clear skin
If only the clear skin I enjoy during pregnancy could continue forever but I know that before long I'll be back to my spotty, oily usual and the tendency to pick will return too.

Healthy hair
How nice to not have to wash my hair more than once a week, no oil slicks here either. It is strong and shiny and hardly any falls out. A few months down the track and it will be coming out in clumps!

Wheat - no problem
Normally to stay healthy on the inside I minimise my intake of wheat but during pregnancy I can have Weetbix for breakfast, a scone or muffin, a sandwich for lunch and pizza for dinner and not suffer for it.

Just for kicks
Feeling baby stretch, kick and wiggle. Looking down as my belly ripples and warps into different shapes.

Still... I'm rather looking forward to

• licking the cake batter off the spoon
• eating frozen peas straight from the packet (just me?)
• salami in a sandwich
• an occasional wine or vodka
• being able to lie on my stomach if I feel like it.
• meeting our baby!

And I could have done without

• 3 months of morning sickness
• stretch marks
• needles & sugar water tests
• getting up to pee three times a night

I'm incredibly grateful to be feeling so well and to have had this experience at all.

What I wish for your birth

Here I am at 35 weeks pregnant and my birth plan for a planned C-section is set. But is it? With our first child we carefully researched and wrote our plan for a natural birth and despite everything we put in place ended up with an emergency caesarean section. Since then I've known I would have to have another c-section as they cut wider than usual to get my son out from his stuck position.

It's been tough to come to terms with missing out on the chance to give birth as nature intended and knowing that our plan may not eventuate due to the doctors on the day doesn't help. When I mention I'm having a planned caesarean I imagine some people thinking that I'm taking the easy option, but when you don't get an option there's nothing easy about it.


Dear precious one,

How I wish you could enter this world and what will actually happen are quite different.

I wish you could choose when you are ready to meet us.

I wish the fluid would be squeezed from your lungs to help you breathe.

I wish the beneficial bacteria from the birth canal could be transferred to you in the usual way*.

I wish that I could be the first to touch you.

I wish you could be delivered in a warm, dimly lit room to help you slowly adjust to the outside world.

I wish the cord could be left to pulsate while you are still learning to breathe.

I wish you could be placed on my tummy for skin-to-skin cuddles as soon as you are born.

Know that we will be insisting the doctors remove you slowly and gently and give you straight to me for skin-to-skin cuddles. Know that no matter how much we insist, this may not happen. Know that we love you xx


*watch Microbirth to learn about how the gut bacteria and immune systems of babies born by caesarean differ from those born vaginally and how you can 'seed' your baby with the good bacteria.

Don't rush to answer questions

I'm learning so much from reading How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - all the advice makes so much sense but it doesn't necessarily come naturally!

I haven't finished reading it yet but one of tips 'Don't rush to answer questions' is my current challenge. Do you find yourself answering the same question over and over? That was me. Until I read that if your child is asking a question it means they have already started to think about it and that if we always answer their questions they learn not to trust their own thoughts and judgement.

So in practicing this advice I've been responding to my 3 year olds questions with:

• I don't know
• What do you think?
• What do you see/hear?
• Do you know?

It has been such an eye opener. He answers the questions so quickly and easily and in doing show I can see just how much he understands. And, it puts an end to the same question being repeated over and over. Truly amazing!

It can be frustrating to have my son flip flop from one position to the opposite and back again within seconds. Do these sound familiar? I'm hungry/not hungry, I want a bath/don't want a bath, I want the blanket on/don't want a blanket on. But another way of looking at it is he's not sure of himself and by feeling a need to always have the answer to his questions I have been responsible for that.

So by taking on this challenge and changing the way I interact with my son, hopefully it will go some way to him knowing his true self and being tuned in to his emotions and gut instincts - something that I am still working on myself.

PS - I challenged myself to writing a post in 30 minutes today. No time to second guess, just had to go with it and know that "Good enough is almost always good enough".

Secondary infertility: our happy ending

At 31 weeks pregnant and as I become increasingly obsessive about what I want to get done before the birth it is a good time to reflect on just what it took to conceive. It took us just over 12 months to conceive the first time and it seems quite likely that it was a side effect of the HSG test that made the difference then. So I thought with the cobwebs blasted from the tubes and having already had a baby that we would have an easier time trying to conceive again. Boy was I wrong.

We decided to start trying again around the time of our son's 1st birthday. I was still breastfeeding and figured that could be decreasing our chances so after about 6 months without any luck I finished breastfeeding (May 13). In August I went to see a Doctor of chinese medicine who was recommended by my Chiropractor. A couple of friends that I mentioned it to, said that chinese medicine was what had worked for people they knew and so I was feeling positive. I was going twice a week for (laser) acupuncture and swallowing some serious cash in the form of chinese herbs. She was confident it would only take a couple of months to 'reset' things but after a few months I started to worry that there was scarring or some obstruction caused by the emergency (and particularly difficult) caesarian section.

We went back to our original OBGYN Dr Gronow and re-ran the tests that we had done 3 years earlier (progesterone, ultrasound, sperm test & HSG) which were all normal.

His advice... "come back when you want to start IVF". 

In my mind I set that deadline as mid 2014 but my partner was against IVF so we looked for other options. I changed my yoga class to the restorative option as I felt I needed to be gentle with myself because work and trying to conceive were very stressful. Every month felt like a lifetime. I prescribed myself magnesium and vitex based on internet research such as this blog post by Nat Kringoudis.

Dr Burmeister was recommended as a specialist who would try all the alternatives to avoid interventions. So we went along to see her and heard that once we had been trying for a year there was only a 4% chance of conceiving in any one month. She had some advice about getting the timing right and and explained that a laparoscopy & hysteroscopy would be required to see if there were any issues and do a routine 'clean out'. She ordered blood tests and we should see her again after getting the results. In the meantime we also sought the help of a local Naturopath Candace Borg who specialises in fertility. After a lengthy and thorough consultation, she added to the list of blood tests we needed and started us on some liquid herbs which really tested my resolve.

I booked in for the day surgery (March 13) and remember waking up and feeling to see if there were any other incisions besides the one in my belly button which would mean she found something wrong and attempted to correct it. There wasn't another incision and as I found out soon after everything looked 'normal'. At my next appointment because I indicated we weren't willing to start IVF she suggested artificial insemination. When I pressed for some alternative recommendations I was told to read her website (don't drink alcohol/soft drink & don't smoke). Only when I kept pressing did she suggest taking Vitamin E, CoEnzyme Q10 and Melatonin in combination for egg health as is prescribed to those on IVF. I started these in mid May and on the recommendation of the naturopath my partner started Vitamin D supplements although Dr Burmeister did not believe his low level to be a factor at all.

In June I learnt a technique called Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE) which is for releasing long held traumas from the body and reducing stress. I practiced this twice a week and my partner did too. I also stopped lying in bed with the electric blanket on and actually unplugged it before getting into bed. We continued with the liquid herbs and supplements recommended by the Naturopath. We conceived in July 14. I wasn't ready to believe it at first and so delayed buying a test for days!

We won't ever know which one or more of these things made the difference but my recommendations to others in our position are:
- restorative yoga
- Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE)
- unplugging the electric blanket
- healthy Vitamin D levels for both
- advice from a Naturopath who specialises in fertility.

So much gratitude goes out to Candace, Richmond and my teachers at Yogaville for their guidance and support.

Don't apologise for what you have

It was fortunate that when I travelled to London last November I had chosen Brené Brown's Daring Greatly as my plane reading. Visiting my brother who had recently been diagnosed with grade 4 brain cancer (glioblastoma multiforme) while half-way through my 2nd pregnancy was not something I had anticipated. Having previously listened to her audiobook The Gifts of Imperfection, I messaged my brother a quote from it after his surgery. I hoped by explaining that ordinary courage is about vulnerability that he would open up and share his fears.

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known." Brené Brown

I knew that being vulnerable with my brother could bring us closer together and I intended to do just that. What I wasn't prepared for was how much I wanted to share the excitement of expecting another baby, one which had taken much time and effort to conceive (more about that in a future post). But how could I express my joy when my brother's whole world had just turned upside down? It seemed insensitive and selfish and so I held back, trying not to talk about it too much.

Then I came across this passage in Daring Greatly that totally changed my perspective.

"Don't apologise for what you have. Be grateful for it and share your gratitude with others." Brené Brown

Of course, just be true to myself!